Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Enemies of Creativity

One of the very first songs I learned as a child and have taught to my own children is the LDS Primary song, "I Am a Child of God." My faith in this simple tenant permeates every corner of my life. Mankind - all sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. And a Father who is the most creative being of all. As his children, our very existence is dependent upon following in our Father's footsteps.

The ability to create comes in a billion different ways - as many ways as there have been individuals. Some are easier to see - Michelangelo, Beethoven, da Vinci, Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, Mikhail Barishnikov, and all those whose creations are so big, the whole world notices. The vast majority of us create in much smaller, but truly no less significant ways. The teacher who creates an environment of learning for her class, the father who creates bonds with his children playing catch every evening, the mother who creates a home full of love with all her little efforts and attention to detail. The mentor who creates opportunity and a boost of self-esteem for those he teaches. The children who create lasting friendships by learning to share and get along with others. All are evidence of our creative nature.

But, there are always enemies lurking, some of our own making and some completely beyond our control, that thwart our creative natures. Lack of confidence, low self-esteem, lack of time, infertility, depression, pain, pride...the list goes on, with probably as many enemies as there are ways to be creative.

Six months ago, I would have said my main enemy was lack of time. Always more ideas and plans than hours in the day. I've experienced some low self esteem creative blocks here and there in life, even a bit of postpartum depression that knocked me for a loop for a while. Pain and fatigue have been the main enemies the last few months.

My current enemy now has a name: Wegener's Granulomatosis. It is a slightly daunting enemy - I'd much rather deal with lack of time, lol.

My kidneys already have some involvement - we were hoping it was the mild form without renal issues, but the docs are at least cautiously optimistic that we have caught it early and the involvement is still at the low end. And so I am up typing this all out at 3:20am - we bring on the big guns, pharmaceutically speaking, later today. I must admit to being more than a little anxious and sleep has been a bit elusive of late. Cyclophasphamide will be added to the Prednisone I started on Thursday and the induction period will probably last more toward the 6 months as described in the article linked above. Once we've kicked this enemy into remission, another year or so of maintenance on methotrexate (or possibly, azathiaprine.) Prednisone use will hopefully be tapered to a minimum. Lots of risks with all these meds, some pretty nasty possible side effects (so vain that I thought of losing my hair almost first thing!) but I'm so very glad for the advances in medicine that have turned this diagnosis from an almost inevitable death sentence to one that most now are able to live with, and live pretty normally when in remission.

This is my new fight. I will absolutely figure out how to deal with this and get back to my creative roots as well. It may be awhile before you see much that is creative here on the old blog...or maybe it will come soon. I hope for that! I miss it and I have a feeling that finding a way to be creative through all of this will speed the healing. Allowing and following our potential for creation lifts the spirits in more ways that we can imagine.

May I leave you with this video clip, a favorite talk given recently by the LDS Apostle, Dieter F. Uchtdorf. Even those who do not follow the Mormon faith will find his words inspiring.


Julia said...

Oh, Sis. Wilwand, you have me in tears. IF you really do need anything, give us a call.We will do anything you need, seriously. Praying for you!

Tammylulu said...

Rusty and I are praying for you. You're in our thoughts. I hope this is over quickly and you'll be feeling better soon.

Vivian said...

Just to let you know you have been in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Love you, sis. :)Thank you for your inspiration.

Voila! said...

I've always known you to be a strong woman. You will make it through, but I feel terrible about all of this adversity. Good luck my friend!

Susan said...

Michelle, I am speechless and paralyzed by it all. I wish I was near you to give you a hug just for my sake - selfish I know. The girls of Apt. 220 have to get it together this year and get it together. I will add you to my prayers and thoughts. I find comfort in your trial because I know how tough of cookie you are. Love you!